Man Shopping...

I wrote this piece today to post on my website.  And then I got a message from Charmaine wanting new material.  Well, here it is.  

The setup:  a woman has a best friend who is always on the look out for relationship material for her single friend.

The backstory:  my BFF Adrienne used to do shit like this to me all the time.  Now that I have been "happily committed" for the last two years, she is now on a mission to get me hitched.  

Enjoy.  Tell me if your friends are as nuts as mine.  

BTW, Adrienne did indeed call me at home one Saturday to tell me about some guy she was checking out in the grocery store for me.  And she did indeed get his card.  Sigh.  I can't make this shit up.  LOL

I present:  Man Shopping.

I have always wanted a BFF.  Like Oprah and Gail.  Batman and Robin.  Ethel and Lucy.  What I got instead, was Adrienne.  The woman who had decided that it was her mission in life to get me dating, married, and mommied before all of my eggs dried up.

Adrienne was a “by the book” kind of person.  Meet the love of your life while still in high school.  Check.  Attend state university and get that degree in business.  Check.  Get married to high school sweetheart one year after college graduation.  Check.  Buy the house with the white picket fence (I’m not kidding).  Check.  Have twins within a year of moving into Picket Fence House.  Check.  Hound your BFF every year for not keeping up.  Check.

I am more of a free spirit.  Enough with the rules and the sheep mentality.  I did the business degree, and the MBA, and spent a few years working for The Man.  I decided working for me was a lot more fun.

Here are a few things that I believe:

·      That it is perfectly ok to live in a condo (no repair issues or yard work to contend with.  That’s what you pay all that money in association fees for.) 

·      Never getting married and not having kids (or even pets for that matter) is ok. 

·      Marriage is all about the subjugation of women (but that’s just me).

·      Best friends are the biggest meddlers on the planet.

Still, with all of these differences, Adrienne and I have been friends for a long time. She’s the youngest of seven; I’m the oldest of five.  We were born nine months apart (she’s older) so befriending and bossing me was a way to throw her weight around, since she was always being told what to do by six older sisters.  We “get” one another in a very real way.  I get that she will never stop trying to make my life a cookie cutter version of her own.  She gets that it is in my nature to go against the establishment for no apparent reason (her words, not mine). 

Which means that I am always being subjected to set-ups, blind dates, and “look who I ran into” situations.  I mean really, I know you guys remember the The Date I had just a couple of weeks ago with the Urban Narcissus. 

And I am no longer surprised at what Adrienne does.  She actually believes that the right man will change my mind about marriage and parenting.  Whatever. 

That’s why it came as no surprise to have this conversation at 9:30 on a Saturday morning:

Adrienne:  Hey Girl, what are you doing?

Me:  Nothing.  Drinking some tea and trying to figure out what I am going to do with my day.

Adrienne:  Umm.  I’m at Publix.  Why don’t you run over here and help me pick out a cake for dinner tomorrow?

Me:  What?  Help you pick out a cake for Sunday dinner?  What’s up?  Is the President coming to dinner? 

Adrienne:  Hold on. 

I hear lots of mumbling with a few words coming in, then fading out:

            …on the phone with … trying to… stubborn…

Me:  Adrienne!  What the hell is going on?  Who are you talking to?

Adrienne:  Hold on- just give me a minute.

(To the person at the store:  Finish your shopping.  It should take her about ten minutes.) 

Me:  Adrienne- who are you talking to?  What is going on?

Adrienne:  Look.  I need you to put on something cute, but casual, and meet me in the parking lot at Publix in about ten minutes.  I’ve got someone I want you to meet.

Me:  Someone you want me to meet?  This morning?  At Publix?  What the hell?

Adrienne:  Look, he’s really cute.  I met him in the juice aisle.  He was trying to decide on the V-8 or the cranberry juice.  We started talking, and I told him about you.  And I told him that I could get you here in a few minutes so he could check you out.  Girl, he runs his own business- I knew you would like that.  He’s an accountant, so he should be good with money.  He’s got a nice body, and….  Oh shoot.  Wait.  He’s getting in line with his cart.  Now you have five minutes.

Me:  Goodbye Adrienne.  I’m not coming down to the grocery store to meet some dude.  You have really lost your mind.

Adrienne:  Girl, he is FIONE!  I am going to give him your business card.  I got his already.  You need to come see him.

Me:  Bye Adrienne.  Finish your shopping and then go back to the nuthouse.  I can’t believe they let you out.

Adrienne:  And I can’t believe you are going to miss this opportunity.  How are you ever going to get a man if you…

Click. 

Really.  There is only so much a person can take.  And I’m not even mad.  After all, she is my best friend.